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But i move the shore to be within a mile of where we fall off
but in doing so, i bury myself under the sand and start suffocating

But it's very soft quicksand and I dig you out no sweat..
but I forget I'm really sick and start dying of exhaustion (Oxymoron, I know)

That is quite the oxymoron.

So I, being the amazing boy scout I am (I have actually saved someone, just so you know you are safe ), am able to revive and nourish you back to health.
But, in the process of doing so, a wave hits and drags me in.

So then I decide to save your life by throwing a rope out to you. Then we're both back on the raft.
But then I see the rapids are picking up and we start going over Niagara Falls

so i find a random barrell for each of us and we use it to go safely over the falls
unfortunately i hit rocks

so I laugh at you because you are not seriously hurt.
but i laugh so hard that i trip and fall onto the same rocks and am seriously hurt

then some magical fairy comes down and saves you, but while you were thanking her she pushes you down onto more rocks

But while you were falling she gave you a temporary power to fly, so you start to fly way up high...
However you lose your power and see an eagle which knocks you at high speeds back down towards the rocks which you got knocked onto twice already. (This is getting redundant)

I use the portal gun to open up a blue portal so you fall unscathed.

However, I forgot I just got off a minefield and you are standing in the middle of it...

but then you realize there not mines, there pies. you are hungry, so you eat one but it turns out that it is full of poison