Scioly.org

This is way better spoken, but maybe you can still extract some humor:

Three cows were sitting in a field with their mother. One said, "Mommy, why am I called Rose?" and her mother answered, "Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." The next said, "Mommy, why am I called Daisy?" and her mother answered, "Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The third cow said, "hfdjk fdsi vjuidsoaf adf" and the others said, "Shut up, Cinder Block!"

A man and his wife have been married for thirty years. Each morning, the man has a huge, atomic scale, deafening fart before opening his eyes.
This drives his wife crazy. (it would drive YOU crazy if you lived with that for thirty years)
She warns him "Hal, one day you are going to fart your guts out."
He takes it in stride and keeps on farting.
One day, she wakes up extra early and put turkey giblets at his rear end. She goes downstairs, and she hears his fart echo through the walls of the house. Then there is a scream.
For twenty minutes, she hear grunting and crying, and then her husband comes down.
"Well, honey, you was right! I DID fart my guts out, but with THESE TWO fingers I pushed 'em back in!!!!!"

A Priest, a Reverend and a Rabbi walked into a bar, where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop.
On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

The Reverned said, "Well, I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb.
The Priest spoke next. He said, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Four guys are in a bar, bragging to each other about their awesometastical sons.

Guy A says, "My son is so rich that he could afford to give his friend a car."

Guy B says, "My son is so rich that he could afford to give his friend a helicopter."

Guy C says, "My son is so rich that he could afford to give his friend two houses."

Guy D says, "My son works at McDonald's, and he isn't very rich, but he got a car, a helicopter, and two houses from his three boyfriends."

gneissisnice wrote:

dudeincolorado wrote:Ok heres one from whoopi i know random but she's amazing so theres a woman and she has to walk to walk to work everyday (she kinda wasnt good at driving) but here work was just about 2 blocks from where she live so it didnt bother her. So one day she's walking down the street and she hears someone behind her say ewwwwww your ugly! She turned around a saw that it was a parrot in a pet shop, but she couldnt do anything and figured it was just somthing it picked up from other people and walked away. The next day shes walking to waork again and hears again ewwwwww your UG-LAY! So this happend for about a week and then she finally had it. That day she stormed into the pet shop and demanded the owner remove the bird. The owner apoligized and promised that it wouldn't happen again. So the next day she walking by the pet shop and saw the bird and it said you know.

um, i dont get it.

the bird has already said "you're ugly" 8 times. she knows what he thinks. so the bird is calling her ugly w/o actually saying "you're ugly".

rocketman1555 wrote:so am I, but i thought it was funny

I'm with you. Think we'll be struck by lightning?

I am religious but think this is pretty funny, and if you don't, then I meant no offense.

A guy is in an apartment building during a flood, and a man in a boat comes by and offers to rescue him. The guy says, "nope, God'll save me." Another guy in a boat comes by; do you want me to save you, nope god will save me. He goes up to his roof, a helicopter comes by, and the same exchange occurs. So he dies, and says, "God, why didn't you save me?" God replies, "I tried, I sent you 2 boats and a chopper!"

rocketman1555 wrote:

chastayo wrote:What is the result of a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Helen Keller? Endless Love

If you don't know how to score in tennis, you won't get the joke

i know how to score tennis and i still don't get it[/quote/]

stevie wonder and helen keller were both blind. haha

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