jokes

[smartkid222]

One of the cornest math jokes ever:
What did the acorn say when he grew up?











Gee-i'm-a-tree or GEOMERTRY

Who invented the round table?







SIR-CUMFERENCE or Circumference

[Phenylethylamine]

There's an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician on a train going through Scotland. They pass a field with a sheep in it. The engineer looks out the window and remarks, "Hey, there are black sheep in Scotland!"
The physicist says, "Well, there's at least one black sheep in Scotland."
The mathematician says, "There is at least one sheep in Scotland, and it is black on this side."

[sk8lynne]

haha
I don't like all the jokes about blonde people!!!

[JustDroobles]

Some math jokes:

A mother of already three is pregnant with her fourth child.
One evening, the eldest daughter says to her dad: "Do you know, daddy, what I've found out?"
"No."
"The new baby will be Chinese!"
"What?!"
"Yes. I've read in the paper that statistics shows that every fourth child born nowadays is Chinese..."

When Chuck Norris divides, there are no remainders.

"Divide fourteen sugar cubes into three cups of coffee so that each cup has an odd number of sugar cubes in it."
"That's easy: one, one, and twelve."
"But twelve isn't odd!"
"It's an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee..."

A visitor at the Royal Tyrell Museum asks a museum employee: "Can you tell me how old the skeleton of that T-Rex is?"
"It is precisely 60 million and three years, two months, and eighteen days old."
"How can you possibly know that with such precision?!"
"One of the scientists told me that the skeleton was 60 million years old when I started working here three years, two months, and eighteen days ago."

[Liv]

This joke is best saying it aloud, everytime I say something the other person(s) say "so did the fat old lady". Sdtfol= so did the fat old lady

I went outside, sdtfol
I picked some flowers, sdtfol
I went to the playground, sdtfol
I went down the slide, sdtfol
I feed the birds, sdtfol
I walked by the stream, sdtfol
I bought a balloon, sdtfol
It popped, sdtfol

[Phenylethylamine]

This is sort of like one of Uncle Fester's "stories" from a while back, but the punch line is different (there are actually three possible punch lines to this one):

A group of mathematicians are stranded on a desert island. After several years on the island, they're rescued by a ship. The captain decides to throw a big dinner in honor of the newly-rescued mathematicians.
At the dinner, he notices something odd- every now and then, one of them yells out a number, and they all start laughing. He asks the mathematician sitting next to him, "What's so funny about these numbers people keep saying?"
The mathematician tells him, "Well, while we were on the island, we realized that we were just telling the same jokes over and over again, so we decided to give them numbers so we didn't have to say the whole thing over again each time."
The captain listens for a while, and hears someone yell out "TWO HUNDRED FOURTEEN!" The whole table cracks up, hysterically laughing. Puzzled, the captain asks the mathematician sitting next to him, "Why was that one so much funnier than all the others?"
Still chuckling, wiping the tears out of his eyes, the mathematician says, "That was a new one!"

[gneissisnice]

An immigrant comes into New York City for the first time, and he is amazed by all the new wonders. A man comes up next to him and says "Are you new here?"
The immigrant replies "Oh yes, I've just arrived in America. Everything is so big and wondrous". The man then says "You know, our country is so amazing, we have sidewalks made of rubber, to prevent people from getting hurt if they fall off a building." The immigrant's eyes widen. "No, you must be making that up". To prove himself, the man takes the immigrant up to the Empire States building, where he jumps off the top, and a minute later, he's back on, having bounced off the sidewalk and back up. "That's amazing!" the immigrant cried, "Let me try!" The immigrant jumps off the building, and dies. Chuckling the man heads to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender, who witnessed the whole thing, said "Superman, you're one mean drunk."

[GGuy5]

one more from the old thread, just tell a joke

here's one the people from indiana should understand

there are four people in a car, one from iowa, one from idaho, one from indiana, and one from illinois. the man from iowa starts pulling ears of corn out of his bag and throwing them out the window, the man from idaho asks what he's doing, and the man from iowa answers, there are so many of these where i come from, i can't stand looking at them anymore. so the man from idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag, and throws them out of the window, the man from indiana asks what he's doing, and the answer is there are so many of these where i come from that i can't stand looking at them anymore. so the man from indiana opens the car door and pushes the man from illinois out of the car.

That reminds me of a joke that people from Mexican decent might find offensive

I'm suggesting you don't tell the mexican joke, (i'm hispanic)

[rbejnood]

there are three kinds of people: people who can count and people who can't count.

Also,

Why did the chicken cross the road? (different than the ones that robotman09 said)

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for
change ! The chicken wanted change !


JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure right from Day One! That every chicken in this country gets
the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't
about me.


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.


FORMER V.P. CHENEY: Where's my gun?


COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?


AL GORE: I invented the chicken.


JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the otherside of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
current problems before adding new problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.


NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.


MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.


JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.



BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

[GGuy5]

there are three kinds of people: people who can count and people who can't count.

Also,

Why did the chicken cross the road? (different than the ones that robotman09 said)

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for
change ! The chicken wanted change !


JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure right from Day One! That every chicken in this country gets
the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't
about me.


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.


FORMER V.P. CHENEY: Where's my gun?


COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?


AL GORE: I invented the chicken.


JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the otherside of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
current problems before adding new problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.


NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.


MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.


JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.



BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

you forgot
Simon Cowell: That is the absolute worst chicken i have ever watched cross a road, i mean........