jokes

[rocketman1555]

read the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, it has lots of funny stuff about space in it

[binary010101]

Not to be discriminant... Please don't be offended. (True story.)

One day, we were at Quiz Bowl practice (if you don't know what that is, go look it up), and one of the questions in the quiz book we were practicing with was "Apart from the Torah, or the Old Testament in the Bible, what is the name of the other major Jewish book, their book of laws?" We, try hard though we might, were stumped. Finally, someone said, "Adam Smith's..."

[robotman]

What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?

They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.

[questgirl]

Blonde Joke.....sorry, no offence
a blonde, brunette, and redhead are on a plane(among others). the pilot comes on the sound system and says"we are too heavy. we need to drop the bottom of the plane. hold onto the handles above you, and dont panic." so every one holds onto the handles. the bottom drops. the pilot comes back on and says"oh, by the way. we are one person too heavy. somboday needs to sacrifice themselves to save the rest of us. have a nice day." nobody says anything. finally the brunette says something quietly the the redhead, who nods her head. the brunette then says quite loudly,"lets play a game". the blonde agrees. The brunette then says "if your happy and you know it, clap your hands."

[robotman]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:Â To get to the other side.

PLATO:Â For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE:Â It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:Â It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:Â Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN:Â That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:Â This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:Â I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:Â To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES:Â Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:Â The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:Â I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES:Â And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road."Â And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:Â The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI:Â The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

BILL GATES:Â I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE:Â The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN:Â Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:Â Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:Â The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS:Â I missed one?

BILL CLINTON:Â I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN:Â To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A.P.D.:Â Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

GRANDPA:Â In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

GEORGE W. BUSH:Â The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!

[ichaelm]

This actually happened. To me.

So we got to the 2008 nationals. This was the first time we went to nationals since 2001. I was in Crave the Wave. It was my best and favorite event that year. I had medaled in it at regionals and states. Basically, I was the only one doing that event. My partner was picked for that event basically because she had good handwriting and was good at math. So, at the test, we were going through it pretty quickly, hardly ever having to look at the binder, when we got to this one question. It asked something like, "If a ray of light in air passes into a glass with a refractive index of 1.42 at an angle of incidence of 64 degrees, at what angle will the ray refract?" In order to plug the numbers into a formula and get the answer, we needed to know the refractive index of air. I then said, "I never actually thought this would come in handy!" I opened the binder to a 3-page list of the refractive index of every substance known to man. Obsidian - 1.50. Safflower oil - 1.466. White rum - 1.361. I am not exaggerating; I actually happen to have the list right here. There was only one thing missing: Air. I said, "Oh my god, I forgot about air!" We spent about a minute snickering while everyone else was silent. I guess everyone was probably staring at us. We ended up guessing on that question. That's probably one of the stupidest things I've ever done.

[gneissisnice]

I dont know if any of you remember Cant Judge a Powder, but that was a B division event a few years ago. For some reason, I did it every year even though I hated the event. Anyway, the objective was to make as many observations of a powder as possible and write them down. After the testing part was done, we had to take a test about the properties of the powder (no identification necessary). 5 points for a correct answer with the observation, 2 points for right answer without observation. So at regionals in 9th grade, we took a whole slew of observations, from the temperature to conductivity, using every reagent available. Of course, when we get the test, the first question was "What color is the powder?" We knew it was white, and after looking through our huge list, we found that we left out color. Doh. We still got 1st though.
But man, I HATED that event.

[smartkid222]

I did crave the wave too and it was my favorite study event. That's a nice story. Haha and you know it was 1 right.

[binary010101]

[blufoster6]

This story is hilariuos & sadly....true. Ok so last year the 6th & 7th grade went on a field trip to DC in May. Like the 3rd day we were there we were supposed 2 go around 2 3 museums with our groups. So our group, instead of spending a bunch of time in the museums we went 2 find the White House. When we finally found it, we took pics & stuff & after we were there about 5 minutes I said it would totally be awesome if we saw the president walk out onto the front lawn. And my 2 friends, Anna & Julia(they are twins) said y would we see the president. We all look at like they were complete idiots(which they are) & then I said cuz he lives there. Anna said "Really, I thought he would live in a nicer place." So all of her 13 years she never knew he lived there.