jokes

[zyzzyva980]

Now you just had to say that, didn't you?

[genius3point14159]

Whats the difference between a run-over skunk and a run-over viola?
There are skid marks before the skunk

[AlphaTauri]

So a cellist calls the symphony office and asks if there's rehearsal today. The guy at the symphony office tells him, "No, the conductor died". Five minutes later, the cellist calls again and asks if there's rehearsal today. He gets the same response: "No, the conductor died." Five minutes later, he calls again. This time, the guy at the symphony office asks the cellist why he keeps calling if he knows the conductor died. The cellist tells him, "I know, I just like to hear it."

How many first violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
-Just one. They stand still and the world revolves around them.

If you dropped a viola and a kilogram weight from the top of a skyscraper, which one would hit the ground first?
-Who cares?

[brobo]

A joke for every section!:

Percussion:
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."

Clarinet:
Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
A: You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!

Flute:
Q: How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six -- One to get the chair to stand on, one to stand on the chair and actually screw it in, one to pull the chair out from under her, and three more to complain about how much better they could have done it.

Oboe/Bassoon:
Q: What are oboes good for?
A: Kindling when burning bassoons.

Saxophone:
Q: How are a saxophone player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

Euphonium:
Q: What's the difference between a euphonium and a drink machine?
A: With the drink machine, you might actually get a Hi-C.

F-horn:
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one -- but they'll spend two hours checking it for alignment and leaks.

Trombone:
Q: How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.

Trumpet:
Q: What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"?
A: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

Tuba:
Q: How do you keep a euphonium from being stolen?
A: Put it in a tuba case.

Director:
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but then again, who's really watching?

[Celeste]

Band jokes are my favorite! They're especially funny when you tell enough of them during band camp that every other section starts to get annoyed with you. You can switch around the instruments in most of these, that way you can offend whomever you'd like.

How many drum majors does it take to change a light bulb? - One. Well, almost. He just holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him.
How many bassoonists does it take to change a light bulb? - Whoa. Is it, like, dark or something?

What's the difference between a trumpet player and a savings bond? - The savings bond eventually matures and earns money.
What's the difference between a tuba and a vacuum? - You have to plug in a vacuum before it starts sucking.
What's the difference between a percussion section and a conductor? - Usually about two measures.

How many times does an oboe player laugh at a joke? - Once, when he hears it.
How many times does a saxophone player laugh at a joke? - Twice, once when he hears it and again when he gets it.
How many times does a trombone player laugh at a joke - Three times, once when he hears it, once when it's explained to him and once when he gets it.
How many times does a percussionist laugh at a joke? - He doesn't. He starts a fight because he thinks everyone is laughing at him.

A conductor was putting on a performance of Beethoven's 9th Symphony at 8. Unfortunately, his chorus couldn't be there until 6, so he started rehearsal without them. In the middle of the rehearsal, the air conditioning broke, so they brought out huge fans to keep the orchestra cool. This worked, but the conductor's score kept blowing away, so he had to tie it down. During this, the bass section and two cellists decided that they had had enough, so they went to the tavern across the street and got really drunk. In fact, the two cellists never came back. So six-o-clock rolls around and the chorus arrived. By then the air conditioning had been fixed and they continued with the rehearsal. Finally, it was 8 and the concert began. The concert was almost finished when the air conditioning went out again, so the fans were brought out and the conductor tied his score down. It was very hard to try and turn the page while conducting, and he was becoming extremely nervous, because it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, there were two outs, and the fans were going wild.

[zyzzyva980]

lol, these are good, because I can just sub in trumpet for all of the jokes

[Celeste]

lol, these are good, because I can just sub in trumpet for all of the jokes

That's what I usually do at band. But now I have to hide whenever a trumpet person sees me...

[cypressfalls Robert]

If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?

The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!

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The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"


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A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,

"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"


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A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".


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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:

"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!


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Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.


The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,

"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,

"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!


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A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,


"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."


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A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,

"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"


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A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"


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A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

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How do you keep a blonde busy for 7 hours?
“put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner”

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How did the blonde die at the baseball game?

“She drowned during the wave.

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How do you drown a blonde?

“You put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool...

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What do you call a smart blonde?

“A Golden Retriever

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How can you tell a blonde in school?

“She erases her to notebook when the teacher erases the board

[lllazar]

Final Exam

<SNIP>Reconstruct Fermat's proof of Fermat's Theorem.<SNIP>

I feel very nerdy that I get the joke.

I dont get it...is it cause Fermats theorem was only proven in 1995?...

[cypressfalls Robert]

proof of a theorum