jokes

[brobo]

So a duck is about to cross the road, when suddenly a chicken runs up behind it and yells "DON'T DO IT MAN! You'll never hear the end of it!"

[Avis_de-Incendia]

Final Exam

Instructions
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.
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History
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking
2,500 aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm Them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your theses.

Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Epistemology
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

Management Science
Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

Literature
Write an epic of not less than 10,000 rhymed couplets on The Ascent of Man; do not use more than four different languages. Then write a critical essay explaining the intentional fallacy of your poem.

Engineering
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, The Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Mathematics
Provide a counter example to Goldbach's Conjecture. Reconstruct Fermat's proof of Fermat's Theorem. Using the construction paper and Scotch tape found on the back of this exam, build a working model of a sphere which can be turned inside out without any folds.

Chemistry
Using the materials leftover in the box containing the rifle, along with the chemicals provided in the first aid kit, build an atomic bomb. This is to be used in the next question.

Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in you answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Philosophy
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
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Extra Credit
Define the universe. Give three examples.
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If you finish before time is called, go back and check your work.

[cypressfalls Robert]

butterfly CHENEY:
Where’s my gun?

[zyzzyva980]

A nuetron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?"
The bartender says "For you, no charge."

Thanks to this thread, I had the following exchange with a classmate:

Him: "A neutron walks into a bar and the-
Me: "No Charge"

[yyy4401]

You know, even though I am a blonde, I still really enjoy a good blonde joke!


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

same here
here is ome insulting Mac
I'm a Mac
And I’m a Pc
The suddenly Pc got taller got a bling-bling ring, a limo and a gun
Wow! What happened
I updated don't you get updated
Nope! You throw me away and get a knew one

[blue cobra]

Final Exam

<SNIP>Reconstruct Fermat's proof of Fermat's Theorem.<SNIP>

I feel very nerdy that I get the joke.

[blue cobra]

Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.

For robodude:
"How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he may have to sort through 30 or 40 bulbs to find the right one."

And for fmtiger:
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!

[Celeste]

For robodude:
"How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he may have to sort through 30 or 40 bulbs to find the right one."

Haha, I play oboe, too. That joke is really kind of true, though. Whenever I buy reeds it takes me, like, an hour because I have to go through all of them and pick the best ones....

[brobo]

For robodude:
"How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he may have to sort through 30 or 40 bulbs to find the right one."

Haha, I play oboe, too. That joke is really kind of true, though. Whenever I buy reeds it takes me, like, an hour because I have to go through all of them and pick the best ones....

Wow Celeste...
I don't buy my oboe reeds (for the most part). Instead my lessons teacher custom makes them for me.

How do you know which kid on the playground will grow up to be a trombone player?
The one that doesn't know how to use the slide and can't swing!

[blue cobra]

For robodude:
"How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he may have to sort through 30 or 40 bulbs to find the right one."

Haha, I play oboe, too. That joke is really kind of true, though. Whenever I buy reeds it takes me, like, an hour because I have to go through all of them and pick the best ones....

Wow Celeste...
I don't buy my oboe reeds (for the most part). Instead my lessons teacher custom makes them for me.

How do you know which kid on the playground will grow up to be a trombone player?
The one that doesn't know how to use the slide and can't swing!

To me, an oboe was just some instrument with a funny name, but then I played with an oboist/English horn player in pit orchestra and they sound pretty cool. Kind of drown out the flute, but I'll give you that two reeds are better than one.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

Now can we all live in peace and agree that at least we're all better than horns? Bwahaha! Let the battle begin!