jokes

[gneissisnice]

A blonde walks into a barber shop for a haircut wearing headphones. The barber says "Maam, you need to take off the headphones so I can cut your hair."
The blonde says "Take off my headphones?? If I do, I'll die!".
The barber says "Don't be so dramatic, it's only for a few minutes".
She agrees, and takes off her headphones. A couple of minutes later, she's dead.
The barber, who is upset and confused, puts on her headphones and hears "Breathe in....breathe out...breathe in....breathe out..."

[Celeste]

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?


To get to the same side!




The Big Bang Theory is the best...

[nerdygrlz789]

Ha...I just practically read the WHOLE thread. It made me laugh. A lot.

[genius3point14159]

A blonde decides that she needs to get a job so she heads over to the wealthier side of the town. She knocks on the first house she sees and asks the man "Hey is there anything I can help you do?" The man responds,
"Yeah sure, the porch needs painting."
"Um sure I'll paint it"
"Okay cool. The paint's in the garage and next to the brushes. Just knock when you're done!"
10 minutes later the man hears a knock and opens the door.
"Hey I'm done! I even had some paint left so I painted an extra coat" the blonde says
"Whoa that was quick" the man says quizzically since the porch actually goes all the way around the house. He gives the blonde $50, and as the blonde leaves she says,
"Oh and by the way, thats not a porch, its a ferrari"

[brobo]

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?


To get to the same side!




The Big Bang Theory is the best...

BAZINGA! The Big Bang Theory is awesome...
A nuetron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?"
The bartender says "For you, no charge."

[smarticle13]

A blonde received a gift certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity.

When she arrived at the place, the instructor said, “Well, there’s only one helicopter here and it only has one seat. If I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?”

“Oh of course not! I can handle it,” the blonde replied.

Well, he showed her the inner workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400 feet just to make sure everything was going smoothly.

At 400 feet, she radioed in saying, “Wow! This is so much fun!”

At 800 feet, she radioed in again saying, “This is pretty easy, I can do this all day!”

At 1,200 feet, she didn’t radio in. He waited and waited, and didn’t hear from the blonde. Seconds later, he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened — the blonde crashed!

Luckily she survived. “What happened?” the instructor exclaimed.

“Well, I was doing fine, but I started to get cold so I just turned off the big fan!”

[yyy4401]

Another blond joke
A blond, a brunet and a redhead wanted to fly on a plane. They found a plane full of potatoes they hear security come they all climb into a potato sack.
The security guard kicks the bag with the redhead she says Meow Meow
"Oh it’s just a cat ill come back to it latter" said the security guard
He kicks the bag with the brunet in it she says "arf arf"
"Oh it’s just a dog I’ll come back to it latter" said the security guard
He kicks the bag with the blond she screams potato potato"
She gets arrested

[Celeste]

You know, even though I am a blonde, I still really enjoy a good blonde joke!


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[Avis_de-Incendia]

How did the stick of gum get across the road?

It was stuck to the chicken's foot.

[Avis_de-Incendia]

Double Post!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in
cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

pigeon CHENEY:
Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with that chicken… What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way
he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s
Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with
a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it
crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time,
the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world
crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008.
This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C%……….reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?